Amorously Preoccupied

Matters of the heart have been weighing on me lately, distracting me more than usual. I'm outside my comfort zone, but I think that's where the most can be learned. I mention this because it's put me into a state of self reflection.

Just as I am becoming comfortable someone comes along and affects me just enough to throw me off. It's like when you don't realize how hungry you are until you eat something.

One thing I've become good at is not being afraid of what may happen. Being outside your comfort zone is often a precedent to being afraid. I know that out of fear people can sabotage their own happiness.

To remove fear is to find insight and broader perspective. Finding insight involves confronting internal feelings, such as fear, not running from them. Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote "Do the thing you fear and the death of fear is certain."

Through reflection we grow as people. When you stop questioning yourself you have no hope of becoming a better person.

I question myself alot. To the point where I am indecisive. That's a problem to though. Something I need to get better at is making decisions and know once I make a decision it's ok to question it, and it's ok to change. Change is good, right? This is often better than making no decision at all.

I guess this post is one-part sharing, one-part advice, one-part rambling.
This goes well with the theme of this post so I leave you with it. Thanks for reading.

“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.”
1 John 4:18

Goals, lists, got to get this stuff done

Things I need to do: work on the new song so I can post it on myspace, check out my Fidelity investment information online, wash and clean out the inside of my car, make a dentist appointment, finish reading Crytonomicon (One hundred pages to go), get rid of some old cloths, lift weights, clean room/house, cut back on smoking, stop drinking so much caffeine, go to post office.

Tomorrow going to Hanover to help my sister's boyfriend Seth figure something out on his computer.

I need to develop brain waves conducive of a slow and steady way of getting things done.

Anything going on tonight?

Ok, tomorrow I got stuff to do, Ryan's show and Steve and Karen's party. Sunday I'll go to our union's party if there's nothing else to do. However, tonight is clear. I may just chill. I've been thinking about painting or doing something creative. With that said though if something interesting is going on I'd like to get out of the house. Well?

Speeding ticket

Ok, so I went to the Magistrate's office to take care of my speeding ticket. It turns out I'll be getting 5 points on my license. It seems that I was charged with excessive speeding which is different than regular speeding. Wonderful. I also have to attend a hearing. The hearing is a review of my driving record and a determination of whether or not I will recieve none, some, or all of the following: 15 day license suspention, on-road driving test. How neat.

So, I have driven on 83 several times since I got my ticket. Now, of course, I go about 70, which is 5 mph over the speed limit. Of course I get passed by 95% of the cars on the road. Don't get me wrong I deserved a ticket, not really thinking I deserve the other options. And the inconvience of the stuff above is just kind of annoying.

I am Feeling Fucking Mental

The circles appearing under my eyes are a testament. A testament to the state I am in; I am drained and weary. Stress has sapped me mentally, physically, and emotionally. I believe, I am however on the upswing.

I have been unsatisfied at work for awhile. I finally got the nerve to say something to my bosses about my pay. Their response was encouraging but dubious. Hopefully I'll get updated on that soon.

I need to tie up some ends. Today I have to take my speeding ticket to the magistrate office; going to set up a payment plan. My car needs inspectated this month; I need to make an appointment before it gets too late. I got two new tires in preparation for this, which I ordered them from discounttiredirect.com.

I should probably shave at some point, starting to look a little rough. Also I need to buy some food for the house, and there is a bunch of fucking cleaning that needs done.

I am thinking that taking care of some of this stuff will do some good in being able to relax. I've been too fucking anxious lately. I should get some exercise.

The E-mail that Never Gets Sent

I don't know how many of you do this, but I occasionally find myself writing e-mails that I never send.

Many times I just vent on the keyboard to satisfy some kind of build-up that I need to expel. Everything from personal relationships to people at work pissing me off. Other than expelling emotional build-ups I find this helpful with organizing my thoughts on a matter that might be bugging me.

Every once in a while one of these messages will be organized and refined to the point where I will actually send it. Most often after I have expelled everything and then trimmed and edited parts that flame someone too much.

Over my life I'd like to think I've become a pretty understanding person. One thing I find myself thinking about when I get upset about something someone has done is where do you draw the line. The line I am speaking of is the line between being understanding while at the same time not coming across as condoning or accepting.

This line can be so dubious and vague that often people do not see it clearly and they misunderstand you unless you come across forcefully or bluntly. However, many of my relationships with people aren't developed to the point were being blunt or forceful will work.

Fuck Horrendous Levels of Dysfunctionality

On Friday I went to Aaron Crossman's and played some computer games with the guys til about 3 a.m. It took too long to get Civilizations IV to work.

Saturday morning I woke to a call from Ruth. I was probably incoherent for most of the conversation. My brain can't escape the routine for at least thirty minutes to an hour after waking up.

Later on I hung out with Jess, it was her birthday. On the way from Jess's to Hanover I got a speeding ticket on Interstate 83. I was clocked going one-hundred in a sixty-five. It's going to be a payment plan for this one. The total for the fine was two hundred & four dollars. I guess I was due; maybe I wont drive like such a sped for awhile. After the cop was finished with me we went to Hanover and I took pictures of my friend Ryan's band. Check out my flickr page; I posted one there. Then we came back to Emigsville and watched Master and Commander. I took her home at around nine.

Here's the weird part. I came home on a Saturday night and went to bed at 9:30 pm.

Sunday I woke up at 4 am and f'd around on the computer till 6. Went back to bed til around noon. Then I wasted the day away for the most part.

Monday did the usual then went over to Ruth's and watched The Rules of Attraction.

Tuesday fucking slept all day after work. Later on Ruth, who was drunk, although she swears she wasn't, invited me to the diner. I didn't get to bed until like 3 am.

Wednesday when I got into work management had handed out the company's new contract proposal which was to be given to the union. Of course it didn't have the clause in it to put me on a fair payscale. How dense are these people?

On a brighter note Matt told me about a NIN show at The House of Blues in Atlantic City sometime in March. Hopefully we'll be going and that should be lots of fun.

Yarr-de-harr!

Sunday: Recorded a track with Matt and Jordan. I played acoustic, Matt played bass, and Jordan played the electric. It came out pretty good.

Monday: It was nice having off on Monday but I really didn't do anything productive. I got a weeks vacation coming up soon.

Tuesday: Took a walk at Rocky Ridge after work. I snapped some pictures while hiking around, some of which you can view at www.flickr.com/photos/ice5nake/. Then I actually went home and lifted weights for a little.

Later, Leah called and we went out to Charlee Brown's to eat. Charlee Brown's is that joint where Pargo's used to be. Not too bad; it was nothing exciting, but it was nice to see Leah. Just a random note that I saw Congressmen Todd Platts there.

Wednesday: Matt came over and worked on the track we record on Sunday. Hopefully by end-of-month it will be posted on www.myspace.com/praxis